Purging

I purged my closet this week of all the old clothes I have been hanging on to for way to long.  I’m not sure why I kept them, I think they were a sort of security blanket.  I felt like if I got rid of them then I was giving up and defeating to the fact that I would never fit back into them.

This purging of clothes has made me think about the other aspects of my life that need to be purged.  I had to take Elena to the endocrinologist last week for more blood work, and we found out that she does have hypothyroidism and needed to start on Synthroid.  I have been hanging on to my fears about her health, so that I didn’t have to think about my fears for her future.  I pushed them down and tried to pretend like they didn’t exist, and they were eating me up inside.  On a typical night, as I rock my sweet girl to sleep these fears begin to surface and my mind wanders to what life will be like for her when she is 5, 15, 35…

But here’s the deal, if I can finally make myself purge the security blanket of clothes than I can make myself purge these fears that I have no control over.  Right now, Elena is happy and I have no reason to believe that this won’t always be the case.  My fears for her are the same fears I had for Caden and Ava and I have allowed myself to let those go, so I can do the same for Elena.  I can’t live my life in fear.  I will find peace knowing that she is supported by so many people and she will always have people in her corner.

Elena learned to clap, and she loves to clap for everyone.  When we go to infant group she always hangs back from participating so that she can watch all of her friends and clap for them when they do something exciting.  She claps for her brother and sister, for her bottle, for getting her diaper changed.

And, of course, she is still making her cheese-ball faces.

I know that some of my fears are irrational, and I know that some of my fears I can’t control.  I have known for quite a while now that I have to let these fears go, and I am trying.  I hope that with the purging of my closet that I can translate that act to the rest of my life and purge the fears that lie deep within.  The truth is, I know that I need to push Elena to grow and develop because I want her to be as independent as possible when she is older, and I don’t want my fears to hold her back.  I watched a documentary soon after Elena was born called David and Monica and I remember thinking that the parents of both David and Monica, were both very supportive but also hindering in an unintentional way.  I don’t want to intentionally, or unintentionally hold her back.  I don’t want my fears of how she will be treated to stop me from letting her follow her dreams.  She has already proven to me in these past ten months that she is determined and she will find a way to accomplish whatever goal she sets her mind to.

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~ by triumphsforelena on April 23, 2011.

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